Throughout my life, I have always been told that I am extremely mature for my age; from my music taste to my demeanor to the way I handle everything that comes my way. For as long as I can remember, I have convinced myself that I just wanted to be an adult and bypass all of the cringey stages growing up; but really longed for that big finale of my “coming of age story” and High School Musical. What was supposed to be the best time in my life became depressing, isolating, and filled with immense anxiety. I did a lot of growing up between March 2020 and March 2021; I walked away from my youth forever, learned to adapt to pressure as the world crashed down around me, held on as these moments flashed before my eyes, and learned to adapt to inevitable change the best that I could.
According to the Pew Research Center, “The vast majority of Americans (89%) mentioned at least one negative change in their own lives, while a smaller share (though still a 73% majority) mentioned at least one unexpected upside. Most have experienced these negative impacts and silver linings simultaneously: Two-thirds (67%) of Americans mentioned at least one negative and at least one positive change since the pandemic began” (2021).
As rough as this time may have been, especially through the immense losses that I experienced, I sincerely believe that this was the character development that I needed in my life. I have learned so much about myself and have learned to enjoy the little things in life. The following is an analysis of my life during the pandemic, in the form of my playlist. These songs have comforted me throughout the entirety pandemic, and have stuck with me; lifting me up when I am feeling down.
"Never Going Back Again" - Fleetwood Mac
Never going back to high school ever again. Not knowing that I am walking away from my youth - something that I can never get back.
I will never forget Mr. Wall’s fourth-period Communication Design Class on March 13th, 2020. All week we had watched as schools around the nation deemed it to be wise to shut down for two weeks as cases of this so-called “Coronavirus”. My fellow Sunny Hills High School students and I anxiously waited to hear the announcement as to what our school board had deliberated on the topic in their emergency meeting the night before. This was particularly exciting for us because it would mean we could be getting an extra week of spring break. When the announcement came over the PA system saying that we’d be going online, we were ecstatic. "CoronaCATION" was ours! Before we left his classroom, Mr. Wall sarcastically said that he might never see us again and jokingly wished us the best in life. We all laughed. There was absolutely no way we could have fathomed that happening.
As I exited his classroom for the last time that day, I turned around in the doorway to wave goodbye to Mr. Wall, not knowing that I was also waving goodbye to my childhood as well. There was a sort of innocence that I lost on that rainy Friday afternoon as I climbed into my mom’s white Honda Pilot.
High School for many people is like a blanket from the real world. Having high school ripped away from me like this was like when my mom used to take my blanket away when I was late for school and still in bed; cold, sudden, and disorienting. I didn't know it yet, but my life was going to change BIG TIME.
"Under Pressure" - Queen + David Bowie
Still under the pressure of high school despite the dire circumstances
As these two weeks turned into a month, and a month turned into the rest of the school year, we knew this was gonna be our situation for the long run. Of course, we were still in school and needed to be held to some academic standard in order to graduate, so we were still expected to do our homework assignments, somehow complete our group projects over zoom, and prepare for AP tests and finals. My days were repetitive, isolating, and boring. I would find myself completing my schoolwork as quickly as humanly possible, no matter if it was done correctly or not, just so I could take a nap and not have to think cognitive thoughts anymore. Watching the number of cases and death tolls rise on the news each day was emotionally exhausting.
In April of 2020, my Grandpa passed away after his 6-year fight with Alzheimer's. While we were expecting it at some point soon, having it happen this early in the pandemic really scarred me. My immediate family had to make the really hard decision to not travel up to Eugene, Oregon for the funeral because it was too much of a risk for my immunocompromised sister. I found myself sobbing almost every day before bed. I felt so powerless. Doing schoolwork on top of this was an extremely daunting task.
The day before I was to take my AP Statistics test, I got a call from my mom at work. She informed me that my aunt just committed suicide. I could not believe it. She was the strongest person that I knew and knowing that she "gave up" made me want to give up too. But, I persevered and passed that AP test, as well as all of the other ones I took that week.
"Hold on Tight" - Electric Light Orchestra
Holding on tight as these monumental moments and memories I was supposed to have as they are passing by
The first thing that was taken away from me was my school’s spring dance show. I had danced since the age of two, and at this time I had no idea if this would be my last time on stage or not. This was devastating not only for me, but for my parents as well. They had watched me grow up on stage, and watch me truly find myself through dance. It was like a piece of me had been destroyed.
Next, was my Senior Prom. Being the planner that I am, I bought my *non-refundable* prom dress in January. I had a really sucky Senior Homecoming experience in October, so I was thrilled to get a “do-over” with prom. The week before the world shutdown, my crush throughout junior and senior year had asked me to prom. My heart was so set on having this prom that I sincerely believed my school when they kept postponing it. On May 1st, they finally made the decision to cancel the prom. I was broken, but there was really nothing I could do about it.
After the announcement, I got a text from my friend Jessica saying "let's throw our own prom instead." While we wouldn't be able to see each other in person, we got all dolled up in the dresses, hair, and makeup that we planned on wearing for prom and hung out over Zoom for hours on end. I missed them so much and was so happy to sit down and chat about all of the things we had experienced in the past month and a half. It was healing to know that they had all of the same worries as I did and that we were all here for each other through it all.
I found myself sitting in my living room with my immediate family, watching this silly little graduation live stream, watching the stupid slideshow as my best friends, people I had known since kindergarten, the people I sat next to in my classes, the people I had walked by in the hall, and the rest of my peers slide off of my tv screen - some of them sliding out of my life forever. Oh, how I yearned to have one last hurrah before we all went our separate ways. This is the first time I truly felt myself mourning what could have been.
According to ThinkImpact, 3,209,510 students graduated from High School in 2020. (2022)
That is 3,209,510 students who missed out on major milestones, 3,209,510 students who didn't get to walk at graduation, and 3,209,510 students who were left with no closure. But, it's also 3,209,510 who persevered through the scariest and most unpredictable times in their lives and SUCCEEDED.
Honky Cat - Elton John ("Change is gonna do you good")
Learning to adapt to the change as best as I can.
It very quickly became evident that it’s going to be like this for a while, might as well make it worth it. That summer I found myself doing things that I had never done before but always wanted to but never had the chance to like kool-aid dyeing the tips of my hair red, going on runs every morning, and bullet journaling. I found happiness in the little things that I had neglected for so long like taking my dog, Tickles, on walks and getting to hang out with my sister 24/7. I cherish this extra time with them so much now that I am in college in an apartment away from them.
On June 27th, at exactly 12:01 am, I woke up to a ding on my phone. The notification read, "Happy Birthday, Taylor!" Wow, I was 18. Officially an adult, but what did I have to show for it? I missed out on these landmark experiences that everyone has before becoming a REAL adult, it felt like age 17 part two. I couldn't go out and get the tattoo that people get on their 18th birthday (that they often regret for the rest of their lives), I couldn't go out and buy fireworks or spray paint because I was trying to avoid going to stores, and I couldn't have a party because we were terrified of getting my sister sick. Instead, we took Tickles to the dog beach (wearing masks) and ordered food from my favorite restaurant through DoorDash. While my 18th birthday wasn't what I had anticipated my entire life, I made the most of it and had an amazing time getting out of my daily routine.
“Now I’m Here” - Queen
I’ve defied the odds, and now here I am.
Starting college during a pandemic was hard. It is extremely frustrating trying to make friendships over zoom. I would watch over social media as my peers, most of which got to live in the dorms on campus unlike myself, got to make friends in real life while I wasted away in my childhood bedroom. My friends who went to different schools were all busy with their new friends. I found a groove for it all with a lot of help from my professors and the few people who would actually respond to my Zoom Direct Messages.
“I think we, as a people, are different,” said Duke Associate Professor of Medicine Jon Bae, a co-convener for the mental and emotional well-being portion of Healthy Duke. “In the last two years, people have learned different ways of working, different ways of living and different ways to take appreciation for things.” (2022)
So, now, here I sit at my desk finishing up this last blog post during the final week of my sophomore year of college. When I submit this, I am officially halfway through my Bachelor's Degree. There was a point in my life where I had no idea if I’d ever make it to high school let alone college. I am so proud of myself for sticking through all of the rough twists and turns of the past few years. The strength, resiliency, and understanding that I have gained through the pandemic is something that I don't take for granted. I have grown into such a determined individual who does not let frustration and unexpected obstacles get in my way.
I highly recommend reading the bottom of the Pew Research Center article I mentioned at the beginning of my blog post (https://www.pewresearch.org/2021/03/05/in-their-own-words-americans-describe-the-struggles-and-silver-linings-of-the-covid-19-pandemic/). It has a database of people’s responses to how the pandemic changed their lives for better or for worse. It feels oddly therapeutic to scroll through these and realize that other people were feeling the same way as I was throughout this mess. It made me procrastinate on this blog post for a whole afternoon!
Works Cited
High School statistics. ThinkImpact.com, 11 Feb. 2022, https://www.thinkimpact.com/high-school-statistics/
Kessel, Patrick van, et al. “In Their Own Words, Americans Describe the Struggles and Silver Linings of the Covid-19 Pandemic.” Pew Research Center, Pew Research Center, 7 Apr. 2022, https://www.pewresearch.org/2021/03/05/in-their-own-words-americans-describe-the-struggles-and-silver-linings-of-the-covid-19-pandemic/.
Schramm, Stephen. “Two Years in: How the Pandemic Changed Our Lives.” Duke Today, Duke University, 16 Mar. 2022, https://today.duke.edu/2022/03/two-years-how-pandemic-changed-our-lives.
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